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Author Topic: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!  (Read 338114 times)
Calilasseia
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« Reply #2055 on: November 15, 2016, 01:23:30 PM »

How many Donald Trumps does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to tell everyone how great the light bulb will be once it's changed, while the other screws the new bulb into the shower head, because he's mistaken the gold bathroom fittings for electrical sockets.
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Remember: if the world's bees disappear, we become extinct with them ...
a non-amos
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« Reply #2056 on: January 15, 2017, 02:03:11 PM »

I ran across a few jokes I had not yet heard . . .

What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies,
"If I wanted a double I would have asked for it!"

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up,
"Yeah, right."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says,
"You fellas ought to know your limits."

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do all of you want a drink?”… The first logician says, “I don’t know.” The second logician says, “I don’t know.” The third logician says,
"Yes!"

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.
They always take things literally.

I’m thinking about selling my theremin.
I haven't touched it in years.

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Carpe digitus.
(Roughly translated, this is possibly the world's oldest "pull my finger" joke)
TRex
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« Reply #2057 on: April 16, 2017, 05:54:17 AM »

Not funny. In fact, quite offensive to those who hold the day as sacred.
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yelnats
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« Reply #2058 on: April 16, 2017, 10:44:23 AM »

Without getting into the politics of religion, you may find this Spanish Easter Sunday celebration interesting...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFX2r5R2E8g

Whereas the Holy week processions are a little too similar to the KKK for most gringos...

https://www.google.com.au/search?q=holy+week+in+spain&espv=2&biw=1309&bih=699&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiQydy0ytDLAhXDF6YKHVm6CUcQ_AUIBigB&dpr=1.1
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mkenuk
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« Reply #2059 on: April 16, 2017, 12:15:33 PM »

BBC is also currently featuring a story on the history of 'the pointed hoody'

http://www.bbc.com/culture/story/20170413-this-white-hood-carries-many-meanings

MK
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a non-amos
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« Reply #2060 on: April 16, 2017, 01:11:11 PM »

It appears that the joke offended some but not all.  It was not my intent to offend any.

It has been removed.
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Carpe digitus.
(Roughly translated, this is possibly the world's oldest "pull my finger" joke)
Les303
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« Reply #2061 on: April 16, 2017, 05:56:42 PM »

G'day A ,

You should not be surprised to hear that your joke did not offend me.

I also thought that your response was very impressive as you expressed yourself most succinctly.

Happy Easter to all...Les303
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Les from Brisbane ; Australia
yelnats
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« Reply #2062 on: April 21, 2017, 08:14:00 PM »

The comment about sacred days got me thinking about the names of the days...

"The Naming of the Days

The Greeks named the days week after the sun, the moon and the five known planets, which were in turn named after the gods Ares, Hermes, Zeus, Aphrodite, and Cronus. The Greeks called the days of the week the Theon hemerai "days of the Gods". The Romans substituted their equivalent gods for the Greek gods, Mars, Mercury, Jove (Jupiter), Venus, and Saturn. (The two pantheons are very similar.) The Germanic peoples generally substituted roughly similar gods for the Roman gods, Tiu (Twia), Woden, Thor, Freya (Fria), but did not substitute Saturn."
(http://www.crowl.org/Lawrence/time/days.html)

The Portuguese appear to be the only 'romance' language to have broken away from the ancient gods (ie Sabbath, God's day, 2nd day, 3rd day etc.)
http://www.brazil-help.com/week.htm
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TRex
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« Reply #2063 on: April 22, 2017, 07:29:51 AM »

In modern Greek, the days of the week are (literally): Lord's Day, Second Day, Third Day, Fourth Day, Fifth Day, Preparation, Sabbath. I believe most of the Slavic languages are similar.
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mkenuk
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« Reply #2064 on: April 22, 2017, 01:11:28 PM »

In Thailand and most other countries in this part of the world, the days are named, as in the west, for the 'seven luminaries' - the sun, the moon and the five visible planets. Obviously not a coincidence, but historians are not completely sure of how and when it all happened. The names are all derived from Sanskrit and are similar in each language.

By way of contrast, the Thai months are named after the months of the Chinese zodiac - similar to, but different from the western one.

MK
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birdy
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« Reply #2065 on: June 01, 2017, 03:04:55 AM »

This thread needs a new entry!

Let's pretend ...
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1 AM, he wakes up, leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying:
"Miss, I'm really sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims with a look of expectancy.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
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Les303
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« Reply #2066 on: June 01, 2017, 03:59:34 PM »

Hey birdy , that sounds like an invitation to submit some marriage jokes.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
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Les from Brisbane ; Australia
birdy
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« Reply #2067 on: June 02, 2017, 09:33:09 AM »

LOL - and I really did.
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Les303
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« Reply #2068 on: June 02, 2017, 02:23:31 PM »

Here's a couple more that I hope will make you  Smiley

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

&

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

&

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.”

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Les from Brisbane ; Australia
Les303
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« Reply #2069 on: June 02, 2017, 02:46:24 PM »

And almost forgot the one about the wife who tells her husband that if he wants breakfast in bed then he had better sleep in the kitchen.
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Les from Brisbane ; Australia
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